Hillary, Amy Winehouse join queens at annual Invasion of the Pines

The queens of Fire Island took on a decidedly partisan theme at the annual Invasion of the Fire Island Pines on Friday, July 4.

A sign taped onto former Democratic presidential contender Hillary Clinton's back proclaimed her failure to clinch her party's nomination last month. She wowed the crowd with her red and white pants suit, but she confided in a pre-Invasion interview she still holds onto the slimmest of hopes she will clinch the White House this November.

"I think I'm going to win the election," Clinton proclaimed.

The former First Lady joined her daughter Chelsea on the campy catwalk. She stressed she wants nothing more than to see her only progeny become the first woman president. Chelsea, on the other hand, was quick to scold at this reporter after he asked a question about her father's Oval Office trysts with Monica Lewinsky.

"We don't talk about that," she snapped. "It's none of your business."

Well Chelsea, our sister publication continues to print "all the news that matters," but Michelle Obama had nothing but praise for her husband's former rival.

"I like Hillary a lot," she said before she walked onto the Pines dock. "I hope she comes in with us and take the White House."

Obama proclaimed her support for marriage for gays and lesbians and stressed she is finally proud of her country. She noted her husband could not make it to the beach because of campaign appearances in Chelsea (the neighborhood in Manhattan for any readers who would possibly insinuate otherwise). Obama added the Democratic presidential nominee supports gay rights, and she further noted his other... attributes.

"He's hot," she noted.

Other former First Ladies also made an appearance.
Barbara Bush passed out on the dock in the Pines as the Clintons stepped over her on their way to their free cocktail at Sip n' Twirl. Jackie Kennedy donned the infamous pink dress she wore the day Lee Harvey Oswald assassinated her husband in Dallas in November 1963. And Rosalynn Carter evoked images of Georgia peanut farms-and the Camp David accords.

Current First Lady Laura Bush used the Invasion to further malign her already unpopular husband.

"I decided to finally come out of the closet as a supporter of the LGBT community," she proclaimed as she worked the crowd in a cream colored pants suit under which she wore a black t-shirt that read "I'm with him.""Now that Bushie's out of office, I can take my own political stance."

The Texas-born spouse further admitted she only married the Karl Rove-inspired Republican for his stupidity, his money and his sexual prowess.

Mary Todd Lincoln, on the other hand, mourned her assassinated (and possibly gay) husband. She did, however, offer the News discounted tickets to see "Our American Cousin" at Ford's Theatre in Washington.

"They gave me a refund," Lincoln explained.

Politics was not the only thing on display at this year's Invasion.

The polygamist wives from Yearning for Zion Ranch in rural Texas celebrated the return of their children after local officials confiscated them during a raid on their compound in April. They also used the Invasion to promote their lifestyle-and even a new hair salon they said they plan to open in Cherry Grove.

"We just hope there are no Texas protective service people around here," one sect member said. "We want to make it perfectly clear we are not looking darling, but doing work for Jesus and our husband."

The Belvedere Bells wowed the crowds with their pastel hoop skirts. One of the devilish debutantes said inside the Ice Palace she and her gal pals seek to provide comfort to the boys of the Confederacy. And she further stressed her distain for the Union.

"We hope we can finally lose members of the recent northern war of aggression," she said.

Jem of Jem and the Holograms stressed she wanted every Invasion-goer to have an outrageous time, but she couldn't pass up an opportunity to diss one of her band mates.

"I hope Aja doesn't fall out on me like last time," Jem opined. "She's a little sloppy sometimes, but we love her."

And speaking of sloppy, troubled British chanteuse Amy Winehouse and several look-a-likes made quite the drunken scene on the ferry from the Grove to the Pines. She appeared highly intoxicated and drugged despite recent tabloid reports that said she suffers from possible early-stage emphysema. Winehouse expressed her love for her incarcerated husband Blake, but cautioned against reporting her to the Immigration and Naturalization Service because she did not obtain the proper visa to enter the country.

"We were attracted by the cheap dollar," Winehouse slurred.

Started in the mid-1970s after the late-John Whyte refused to serve Panzi and her gaggle of gal pals in the Pines, the Invasion has become one of Fire Island's most revered and celebrated Fourth of July traditions.

Panzi, who donned black to mark the occasion, applauded the First Ladies who made their appearance. In true form, however, she panned this reporter's Old Navy purchased frock and most everyone else's ensembles.

"Most of them are as ugly as ever," Panzi quipped.

Ugly is almost certainly in the eye of the beholder, but Julie Barnes of the Mod Squad perhaps summed up the Invasion best after she praised the First Ladies who were on their knees for a photo op at the Ice Palace.

"It's exactly what the founding fathers intended," she said.